Tag Archives: Mick McCarthy

Where do we go from here?

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So it’s happened. Mick has gone.

It’s a real mixture of emotions. I know, deep inside, it was going to happen. I’ve always said that if we wanted to develop into a top-half team and meet the aspirations and targets of Uncle Steve, that Mick wasn’t the man who could do that.

But right now, I’m not thinking about that. I, and I’m sure the majority of Wolves fans with brains, will be eternally grateful for what Mick did for us.

In the space of 5 years, he turned us from an average looking Championship side with not enough players to start a game, to a team in our third consecutive season in the Premiership. It’s been the most promising, proudest and greatest time to be a Wolves fan since the early 80′s.

And for that Mick, all I can say, is thank you.

And fuck, I’m going to miss you.

So, where to now?

Unlike most times there is a managerial vacancy, there is a clear candidate to fill the shoes. This time we don’t have any.

No, that’s not strictly true, we have plenty of options, but are any of them really ones that can develop us and secure a long-term future in the Premiership? To say I have doubts is an understatment.

Unfortunately it just isn’t as easy as getting rid of Mick and bringing in somebody new.

Yes, our club is run very well in the financial sense. We are making a profit, looking into developing stands and training complexes, and building some swanky new houses. In the business sense of things, they aren’t doing alot wrong.

But is where the issue lies? Has the fact that the club has been run with business rather than football sense had an impact on our development?

A new ground and world-class training facilities will bring in players. But for all the money that is being put into these areas, there has been a minimal amount put into the transfer budget. Only one significant change was made to the starting team at the start of the summer (that’s right, for fans complaining that we spent enough money in the summer). Surely it’s important to establish yourself as a Premiership club before money is invested into these areas?

The mentality reminds me of a ‘style over substance’ sales company i.e. ‘look at our swanky new offices, but don’t worry about the infrastructure, we’ll sort that out in a bit’.

I don’t blame Uncle Steve him for running the club in the way that he has. This is what he’s always done. He’s a businessman, that’s where he has made his millions, and I really appreciate him giving us the financial stability that we needed.

But is thinking with a businessman’s head going to help a struggling football club survive relegation?

Was it a football-man’s head who came into the dressing-room after the Liverpool game and undermined any work that Mick had previously done?

Was it a football-man’s head who, arguably, bowed to fan pressure after the protests yesterday, knowing these are the people who will we need to fill our stands?

And will it be a football-man’s head who looks at a ‘reliable’ replacement like Bruce, Curbishley or Warnock, or who looks at maybe taking a risk with an up-and-comer such as Solskjaer, Clark, Mackay or Freedman?

It just isn’t as easy as changing the manager. Our thinking, our ambition and our approach of the club has to change, and it has to come from the top, and filter itself down to the manager, the players and the fans.

But this is always a long-process. One which having a new manager, a new style of play and new personnel will make even longer.

A period of time which we simply don’t have.

Frimwrong?

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Before we start, I would like to point out that I love watching Frimpong play.

You can see he has the potential to be a fantastic defensive midfielder, but what is really exciting about him is his rawness. He always looks slightly on the edge, just on the verge of losing control of the ball, and himself. A battler, something that will benefit Arsenal no-end, and in a couple of years will be aiming to cement a first place in that team.

But is he the type of player that we need? I mean, REALLY need?

Sure, it’s great that we’re adding more defensive elements to our team, and Frimpong will be the type of player that will suit Wolves down to a tee. A physical battler who ‘puts in a shift’ is something that will warm up Mick’s McCarthys no end.

But how will this bolster what will essentially keep us up, scoring goals?

We have Fletcher at the moment, and we have Jarvis who is able to create chances. And that is pretty much it. It doesn’t bare thinking about if they both hit a bad run of form, or worse, were injured.

Our issue going forward is stemmed around the playing styles of Henry and O’Hara. I’m not doubting the quality of either, but both like to pick the ball up from deep.

There isn’t an issue with this, some of the world’s best central midfielders do it. But we’ve seen countless times before or times where Henry or O’Hara have collected the ball, turned and there not being anybody 20 yards in front of them. As a result they have to resort to either playing it back, or playing the longer ball, whether this is to our striker or over the head of their right back for Jarvis to run onto (which never bloody works)

This used to be effective sometimes when Doyle was on top of his game, but with him struggling, it’s meant that our main goal threat, Fletcher, having to come deep to try to knock on balls when he should be the one chasing them.

And if it’s not Fletcher coming deep, its Jarvis or the other wide player coming out of position to look for the shorter ball in the middle of the park, bringing them out of the area where they are most effective.

We need someone to play in that hole. Somebody who can link the play up, bring Fletcher and Jarvis into the game easier as well as being a goal threat themselves. We saw O’Hara do it briefly, but his natural style meant that he ended up dropping deeper and deeper anyway.

So who would be that ideal player?

Long-term, I’m not sure. David Edwards did it effectively against Man City last year, especially his runs into their area. But he doesn’t have the the creative quality or pace to carry this on.

Is there then an argument to go for another loan signing to look at this in the short-term? If we are looking at players like Frimpong who are largely unproven in the Premier League, players who are young but not yet given an opportunity in the first team, then what’s stopping us looking at somebody else?

For me, all this points towards somebody like Josh McEachran.

A creative midfielder who also has the ability to play out wide, he has huge amounts of potential. But when he’s competing against the likes of Mata, Sturridge, Lampard, Meireles, will he be given the opportunity of first-team football in the near future?

He is somebody that Chelsea do see as part of their future, he signed a 5 year deal this summer, and there has been talk of him going on loan to other teams.

And his style of play would easily suit us in both a 4-5-1 and a 4-4-2 formation. Granted, it would mean dropping Henry or O’Hara, but Mick has already dropped Johnson, Doyle and Jarvis this season, so this isn’t something he’s afraid to do.

As I said earlier, I am excited to see Frimpong in a Wolves shirt. But if we are to push on and reach our target of being comfortably safe before the end of the season, we need to start looking at pushing forward in a more positive manner.

Wolves vs Sunderland review (Thank you Lady Luck, you sexy woman)

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It wasn’t Eva Green or Liv Tyler, but sometimes, all you want and need is Kat Slater.

I’m sure a number of us had the same, worrying feeling in the back of our heads. Even with O’Neil not being in charge of the match, it would give Sunderland that boost that they needed. That they would nick something at the end of the day. That they would see us, down on the floor, give us a helping hand then stab us in the heart with the knife they are holding in their other hand.

Apart from the other obvious reasons, this is why this win meant alot. Aside from the excellent performances from Berra, Edwards, Jarvis and Fletcher, the win meant alot because, for once, lady luck was smiling on us.

It didn’t look that way at first. The penalty decision gave us all horrible flashbacks of that Newcastle game. Our own Vietnam flashback. Then I saw the replay, and it hurt. It really hurt. I saw us staring straight at defeat once again. I thought it was going to be another week of heartbreak. Even a reassuring shoulder pat from my friend couldn’t help.

Then that wonderful minute happened.

It was like the world’s best surprise party where all your favourite people came along with the presents you wanted, and gave you that reassuring hug you’ve wanted for weeks. ’It’ll all be fine Matt, I told you it would be’.

And then, lady luck decided to come round to our house, wearing a secretary’s outfit and gave us a right smooch, right on the lips.

And it all came via Jamie O Hara’s shoulder.

I saw it straight away, I’m pretty sure more of us did. Steven Fletcher certainly did, looking about, almost waiting for the inevitable whistle…that never came.

When I realised the shriek wasn’t coming, I laughed, really loudly. And then started celebrating.

Granted, it meant that we all had to endure 10 minutes of tapping our feet, trying not to bite our nails just so people don’t mention is as ‘nail-biting’ and instead just repeatedly shouting ‘shit…shit…shit…fuck off sunderland…fuck off…thank god;

But at the end of the day, its wins like these that could be a turning point. Wins that puts smiles on our faces, the players’ faces, and Mick’s face.

And at the end of the day, that is the only thing we’ve all been looking for.

Chelsea vs Wolves review (Or something is starting to creep up on me…)

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I missed the first 30 minutes.

By the sounds of things, I’m bloody glad I did.

Now, I didn’t think we’d get a result at Stamford Bridge today, but being totally outplayed with no shape and worst of all, no apparent plan. It all made for depressing catching up.

And as a pro-Mick Wolves fan, this is when my first real doubts are starting to come into my head. The majority of this stems from his tactical choices today.

Why play a negative 4-5-1 when we are playing a Chelsea team are low on confidence and have struggled at the back this season?

Why not play with a more attacking minded centre midfielder playing just off Fletcher? Chelsea play with a deep midfielder. Our centre midfielders play far too deep. Massive gap in the middle of the pitch between our central midfielders and Fletcher. So what’s going to happen? Play a long ball upto him, which will get cut out easily, played to Romeu who will have the time and space to play a simply pass for Chelsea to start up again.

And again, why play Ward, our most consistent performer this season, out of his favoured position? What happened last time we did that? Elokobi was ripped to shreds by QPR, and Shaun Wright Phillips in particular. So who should we play to try and keep Daniel Sturridge out of the game?…

Although to be fair to Stephen Ward, he was a most effective attacking player today…which is pretty worrying…

So, what can we take from today, aside from repeating the above?

We looked at our best when Jarvis and Ward drifted in, especially in the final third as Ward’s chance shown. And this is something that I picked up on a while ago that we should be doing, but still aren’t.

Off the ball diagional runs right at the CBs are going to be difficult to defend against. Both full backs and centre backs need to quickly make decisions about their positioning and exactly who to track. Naturally CBs would mark the strikers, but with wingers running at them too? And do the FBs track or hold the line? These are things we should be exploiting, and having players with pace like Jarvis doing this would make it far more effective as well as leaving space for the full backs to exploit.

Secondly, and quite simply, Jarvis is much better on the left. He is much better than Stephen Hunt on the left. He has also looked like producing something when he has come on as a sub recently. So let’s start him next game, hey?

Look Mick, let’s just have a quick, private chat. This is a bit of a heart-to-heart with you. A one-to-one. Just me…and you.

I think you’re great, you’ve done so much for us. But there comes a time where doubt starting creeping into even the most loyal fans’ minds, and that time is now.

Prove me wrong on Sunday Mick. Prove to me we are where we belong. Show me that soon I can stop dreading watching us play.

I know you can do it Mick, please, please, don’t let me down.

Wolves vs Wigan preview (or the game that could be soundtracked by the Benny Hill theme tune)

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For once, I’m not, I repeat, NOT, going to be talking a night out I had. Simple reason is this weekend, I stayed in. Not having money is really, really dull.

I could make up a story about doing coke whilst banging some midget hookers in the middle of a Wetherspoons, but my mum could read this, and I don’t think she wants to hear tales about that, whether they are true or not…

If you would like to hear the rest of the story, please send me £5 and you will get your own personalised story.

Take that Moon Pig!

That’s enough shameless self-promotion for one day.

So this is the game ‘where our season begins’

‘A must-win game’

‘A six-pointer’

It’s really being built up isn’t it? A pivotal game where all 22 players are going to come out, and really show their heart. The game where we see real quality at Molineux again. I mean, it’s on Super Sunday, the last thing it’ll be is a festival of crap.

But let’s be honest, that’s not going to happen.

We all know, deep down, that this game is going to revolve around who makes the fewest defensive errors.

I mean, come on, look at how we’ve been, and then…well…it’s Wigan.

They are truly, truly awful at the back. Horribly disorganised and lacking in quality. You have to wonder if the person who showed that what a straight line was was Michael J. Fox (I would like to point out here that I do feel awful for that cheap shot. I love Michael J. Fox, and Back to the Future is my favourite film…I blame the midget hooker)

And then you look at us recently, and…well…I rather we didn’t.

All this means that we can expect to see that hilarious moment where Gary Caldwell slips on that banana skin, whilst Al Habisi and Emerson Boyce try and move that piano up those stairs for that little old lady that lives on the top floor.

But it’s fine Wigan fans, Berra is going to be taken off injured after Stearman repeatedly hits him around the head whilst turning around holding that bloody ladder of his.

For a neutral, this could be wonderful. For Alan Hansen, it could cause him to have an aneurysm. For us, we’ll either be laughing, or crying. Either way, we’ll all be singing that Benny Hill theme tune when we watch Match of the Day 2 tonight.

So, that midget hooker…

Wolves vs Man City Carling Cup Preview (From the depths of our bench, come our saviours)

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Let’s not mention what’s happened over the past few days. Nothing new will come of it.

Why not take a minute to look at this from a positive point-of-view.

I’ve dwelled on this post for a few days. I had something planned. Something really positive before our Carling Cup tie. Something that will get us motivated, spur us on and really get us all pumped and motivated for our two games against City. Something that will bring fire to our hearts.

And then those lovely bastards at Wolves Blog bloody beat me to it.

…Bastards.

So, here’s something I’ve had to rattle together quickly on my lunchbreak:

Maybe we should see tonight’s game as a real opportunity. Probably not one to rip City apart, or even beat them (let’s be realistic here) but an opportunity to bring a new spark to the players in our squad.

How you ask? Give Eileen Drewery a call? God no (no pun intended)

Give our players who don’t regularly start a game.

‘What?! What the hell are you talking about? We haven’t won in 7 games, and you want us to play our subs against City? A city who just beat Man Utd 6-1 at Old Trafford? Have you been smoking crack on your lunchbreak?’

Only a little. But there is method behind my madness.

We have seen a number of our player’s confidence really drop recently, through various reasons (which I won’t go into, simply because if you live in a place where football exists, you would have heard about…unless you don’t live in one of these places…somewhere like Qatar) which has had a knock-on effect on their form. It’s understandable, but they need encouragment to step up and improve their game when they, and we, need it most.

So where is this encouragment going to come from? The fans?…

How about a bit of healthy competition for places?

‘Hang on…so you’re saying that the best way to improve a player, a player whose confidence is rock bottom, is to threaten them to be dropped?…Is that crack kicking in about now or something?’

I am coming up a little bit yes, but again, bare with me.

So we bring in a second eleven against City tonight, players who are told to compete. Players who are told that if they perform tonight, they could be knocking on the first team’s door. What will you expect to see from them? Most likely 100% effort and commitment, but most importantly, passion. Passion which could be lacking at the moment.

Nobody is expecting us to beat City, but to take the game to them, with true heart, could win those disenchanted fans over.

Any impressive performances from that should then be given a starting place at the Etihad Stadium on Saturday. And what are going to see again? True determination, and probably weeping from the mere sigh of David Silva on the ball.

Anybody replaced, if they have the right mentality (which surely shouldn’t be a problem with the spirit we have previously shown, as the player’s relationship with Mick) will see this as their time to up their game to win their place back.

I’m not at all saying this will turn our form around, we have a difficult run of games coming up after all. But something needs to change, and that change could well come from the people we least expected.

Still worked up about that Wolves Blog post. Bloody mind readers…

The battle has commenced…

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Yes, my last post was about ‘(almost) being ashamed of being a Wolves fan’.

And yes, through-out the game I repeatedly condemned the ‘boo boys’. I was ashamed, embarrassed, sympathetic towards Swansea and down right angry.

But I think more than anything, this was a heat of the moment thing. I was wound up by the lacklustre performance, as well as the fan’s reaction to it. It seemed at times that some fans were aiming to go along just to be given the opportunity to voice their opinions to our players and manager.

So the reactions of both Mick and Roger Johnson are fairly understandable. They want the best for the club as much as we do. These comments however seem slightly unprofessional, which will undoubtedly be picked up by the ‘boo boys’, without sensing the irony of doing so.

Everybody is venting their frustrations, but whether they are doing this in the most effective manner is questionable:

  • The ’boo boys’ – Don’t think I need to point this out, do I?
  • The anti ‘boo boys’ – People like me, caught up in the moment, who are quite happy to tell the Twitter world and any friends who will take a minute to listen about the fans aren’t helping the situation.
  • Mick and players – Post-match interviews are not the optune time to show your emotions. It’s when you’re most worked up and likely to say something you may regret, be taken out of context or is just plain unpopular.

All of the above has happened, and as a result everybody at Wolves is at war with one another.

The ‘boo boys’ will be more worked up after Mick’s ‘let us all just have a scrap and sort it aaaaaut’ comments.

I will look at these fans and think what they are doing is counter-productive, questioning whether they are actually fans which will probably lead to more anger induced tweets and comments.

Mick and the players are already describing playing at Molineux as ‘hostile’, something we haven’t really seen since the days of Glenn ‘The Draw-Meister’ Hoddle. It can’t be easy for them, imagine sitting at your desk at work, trying to complete that draft of the report that was due in two days ago whilst somebody waves your P45 right in your face.

At a time when, as a club, we need to get together and back our team, we are all at each others’ throats.

So what will stop this? Well, some whole-hearted, encouraging performances in the two games against City and at home to Wigan.

But don’t the players need us behind them to be able to do this? Don’t we need to stage another miraculous, and totally undeserving, recovery to get our supporters singing again?…

Unfortunately, it looks like we are stuck in a vicious cycle, that at the moment, we may just have to ride out.

Still, at least West Brom didn’t beat us 6-1 at Molineux.

Why I’m (almost) ashamed to be a Wolves fan right now (Or a Wolves vs Swansea preview)

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Wolves fans comments on Facebook post.“Sack the bastard.

Hang him. That hanging bastard.

Scoop out his bastard heart with a bastard spoon, then put it in a bastard blender, add some bastard oregano and bastard paprika and blend the bastard thing. Then feed the bastard his own nicely bastardly seasoned heart.

He’s a bastard!

The bastard!”

The above seems to be the common(ish) thought of some Wolves fans. The ones calling for Mick’s head.

The ones I called morons and try to ignore.

Try to…

But in this digital age where you can easily express your own opinions and have complete strangers read them (yes, I realise the irony of this sentence) it’s hard not to be washed up into their sea of spewing shit. An ocean filled with opinions which are badly thought out and constructed as a result of basing all their football opinions on writings of The Sun, or at best, Henry Winter.

Now I’m the first person to tell people I’m not an expert in football. Far from it. However I can clearly see that the majority of what these ‘fans’ are saying is absolute balls.

Yes, losing 5 games in a row is poor form, but that’s what it is. Poor form. It’s understandable, confidence is low after QPR, you could see that in Jarvis’s performance against West Brom. You can see it in Johnson’s sudden lack of organisational skills.

These things can however be sorted.

What won’t help to get it fixed is when ‘fans’ decide to boo/sarcastically cheer the player who took a pay cut so he could join us. A player who has worn our captain’s armband and our shirt for a years and has been proud to do so. Granted, he wasn’t playing well, but do you think he’s that big of an idiot to not know that already?

And as for Mick…well…I’m worried that we are in a situation where we actually have to defend him.

Aside from the incredible job he has done over the past 5 years, this is his third season in the Premiership with a predominantly Championship side.

Three years ago would anybody have thought that Matt Jarvis would have played for England, and Karl Henry would have also been considered by Capello?

That Kevin Doyle would be looked at by Arsenal (even if these were rumours)?

That Stephen Ward would be the answer to our left back problems?

All of this points to the sterling job that Mick has done.

For people to organise a strike before the game calling for his head? It almost makes me ashamed to be a Wolves fan.

But in a way, it’s people like this that will spur Mick and the team on. They will want to prove that they do merit a place in the Premiership, that on our day we can play and we can be difficult to beat.

Yes, I am worried about the pace of our defence against Sinclair, Dyer and Graham.

Yes I am concerned that Mick may make the change from 4-5-1 to 4-4-2 when it was looking effective like he did on Sunday.

But won’t all this be forgotten if they put in the performance that we all want? Us football fans are fickle after all.

And if that happens then I guess we would have to thank the boo boys. For their motivational skills, for being real fans.

Well you lot can. I’m not.

I’m going to thank Mick.

Mick the bastard.

West Brom vs Wolves

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So I watched the derby in the only way I know how. In bed, hungover, surrounded by flat, left-over bottles of Pepsi and any food within reaching distance.

The hangover was well and truly justified though. It was a long Saturday. In the pub at 8.30am for the rugby. Then didn’t get in till 3.30am. It was a day that involved:

  • An Eastern European guy who thinks one slice of toast equals two eggs
  • Nearly getting strangled by another Welsh guy when we scored that try
  • Insane amounts of ale
  • Getting lured into some cocktail festival with the promise of free G&Ts, and all we had to do was design our own cocktail umbrella. Mine looked like somebody had sellotaped crayons to Michael J. Fox’s fingers. I was then told by a very posh girl that she loved what I had done with my trainers. The look they have is one of being utterly shagged and having holes in them
  • Going to a gay bar where I danced around a group of lesbian friends, doing the YMCA on my own
  • Going to a strip club, left entrance was ‘live shows’ the right entrance was for ‘gay hardcore porn’. Contrary to any rumours, we took the left turning. We were pretty much the only guys in there for most of the night. Surrounded by strippers, chatting and drinking with them. I pretty much felt like Tony Soprano…if he had holes in his shoes…and no money
So I guess the resulting hangover is a real contributing factor to add into this gloomy review.

The game today showed again that one of our central midfielders really needs to be more attacking, and the benefits of having one where shown when Milijas was on the pitch.
With O’Hara and Henry naturally deep playing midfielders, there is always a gap between our forwards and midfield. This just means O’Hara tries to launch these Hollywood, game, nay, FOOTBALL changing passes that inevitably don’t work. Having somebody who links them to Doyle and Jarvis meant we were able to get at West Brom early on.

Just a shame then that we decided to go 4-4-2 and take Milijas off.

I would have liked to have seeb Jarvis and Hammill cutting in and running at their centre backs. They were able to deal with Doyle in the air and for strength, but would have struggled with somebody running at them.

So arguably we would have moved to a more 4-3-3 formation, and going back to 4-5-1 when not in possession.

Bit too risky for Mick I guess.

The biggest issue however, and one that if you follow me on Twitter is all I bloody talk about, is that our centre backs really lack pace. We couldn’t handle QPR’s pace, we couldn’t handle Long today (who was excellent and would have caused any teams problems) and this is something that other teams will surely pick up on.

Is there not an argument that when Zubar is 100% fit, or when Foley comes back, and potentially until we bring somebody in in January, we look at moving Stearman into the centre?

Yes, he has his ‘Stearman moments’, but you would hope that somebody like Johnson who can (well, he certainly used to be able to) organise a defence would certainly help that side of things.

And personally, Berra has simply been making too many basic mistakes in recent games. He can be found ball-watching, not in line and again his lack of pace there can cause real problems in letting attackers in behind our defence.

But of course, none of the above can really happen yet, so it’s handy we’re coming up against Swansea next who have quick players like Scott Sinclair, Nathan Dye and Danny Graham…

Still, I got to see about 8 naked women last night.

Wolves v Newcastle (or a review of a game I didn’t watch)

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Yes, I didn’t actually see the game.

I mean, there really are more important things in life than football. Don’t listen to what that Bill Shankly says. Maybe he really did feel that way. I mean, he may have been shagging training cones for all we know.

The weekend just gone started with a feeling of the unknown. I didn’t know what to expect when I got there and saw him. I’d heard things that hadn’t filled me with hope. At first, it looked like this was going to be true. A man I only ever saw as being strong was looking weak, his only protection coming from a horribly thin hospital bed sheet.

But over the course of the weekend, things got better. A lot better.

He swore, he insulted, he was rude. This is the man I know and love. He also joked and laughed and winked, but that isn’t as interesting for somebody outside of the family.

So what the hell has this got to do with me writing a review for a game I didn’t watch?

Well, the series of events has led to me deciding to do so and, no matter the score or performance, I will try (I am a miserable bastard after all) to do it in a positive way.

All I need are two things to make this happen:

  1. The BBC live Saturday football feed
  2. My imagination – When I was a kid, I used to write football stories. I’d make up teams and players, using complicated rules involving dice to determine results. I’d then draw diagrams of some of the goals…sad?…yes…loserish?…yes…

So I guess what we have here with this post is a kind of a ‘Roy of the Rovers’ situation…

No!

What we have here is a ‘Wardy of the Wanderers’ situation.

So here, ladies and gentlemen, is the first, and probably only episode of…

Wardy of the Wanderers!

Our hero Wardy pulls up into Molienux’s car park. He steps out of this replica of the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang card, takes off his aviators (somebody once told him he looked like TOm Cruise with them on…I think they were drunk…or blind…or both). He takes a deep breath, taking in everything around him. The smell of the piss-stained subway. The sight of a tramp beating off into a bush. He takes it all in and says ‘Today is going to be a good day’

Upon arriving in the dressing room, Wardy is met by his manager, Mick ‘Dryrish’ McCarthy.

‘Wardy! Superman! How the devil are you? Chitty alright? I like how you walk, it’s super!’

‘Umm…yeah…thanks…’

‘Ready for the big game hey? Ready to show those brown ale drinking bastards what you can do?’

‘Yeah…fine boss…just as long as you don’t play me up-’

‘-No Wardy, you were right, I was wrong. I’ll never put you up front again. I know that you can rip teams apart, even from left back!’

‘Um…yeah…if you say so’

‘Good to hear…Oh Wardy, if my missus wasn’t looking this way, I’d kiss you. I land a right plump one on those Irish lips of yours’

‘…Umm…I’m going to go over here now…’

Our hero and the other Wolves players are kitted up, raring to go. In comes Mick, football socks rolled low, tracksuit trousers rolled high.

‘Remember lads, there’s one thing, and one thing only, we need to do to win this game…give the ball to Wardy…NOW LET’S DO THIS!’

All the Wanderers jumped up in unison, punching the air and high fiving each other…

All except one…

Wardy sat there, a nervous look across his face as he muttered just two words to himself.

‘Oh…piss’

The Match

The Wanderers start well, Wardy dictating the game from his playmaker role at left back.

Early on, Jamie ‘I Love Danielle I Do’ O’Hara nearly scores with a cross. This doesn’t go down too well with Mick.

‘FUCKING HELL O’HARA, IF YOU’RE GOING TO CROSS, DO IT PROPERLY!’

He turns to Tezza Connor

‘Bet Wardy would have crossed it’

This has an effect on Wardy, and so has a word with Matt Jarvis to ‘be better’. Jarvis, as a result, delivers a peach of a ball into Kevin Doyle. However, forgetting that Doyle is only half as Wardy as Wardy, he gets poor contact on the ball and Tim Cruela De Ville saves.

Then the unthinkable happens.

Newcastle score…

Twice

And it’s fair to say, Wardy was nowhere near the ball when it happened. It wasn’t his fault. He was helping a small dying child live out his last wish by feeding a deer ice cream with him. I mean, what was he supposed to do? Say no to a dying child?! Mick looks over at him, wipes away his tears and applauds, as does Terry Connor. It’s all a bit like the ending of Cool Runnings if you ask me. Moving.

Half time comes, and of course Mick isn’t happy.

‘WHAT THE BEJBUS WAS THAT?!! Have you forgotten last week? Have you forgotten how much we relied on other people who aren’t Wardy! You know what to do, now come on!!!’

These words of wisdom obviously pay off and Wardy takes the game by the scruff of the neck, makes sweet passionate love to it and leaves it his number so they can do it again next week.

It’s a shame that the our evil villain then makes this his time to make a statement.

Enter, Mark ‘The Barrell of Hate’ Halsey

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

With the red in his eye and the cackle in his laugh, he almost pisses himself when he sees Stephen Taylor impale O’Hara’s leg with his boot, ripping it in two at the knee.

Wardy goes running over, like a medic on the beaches of France, clutching his magic sponge.

‘Wardy…I can see a light…I can…see it’

‘No Jamie, stay with me. You’ve got too much to live for. Live for your baby. Live for me. Live…live for Danielle’

‘DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANIELLE’

And with that, Wardy mends Jamie’s leg with a bit of blu-tac.

What a guy.

However, we then see the downside of Wardy’s talent.

The evil villains sidekick, the linesman, was blinded by Wardy’s sheer football talent. There was nothing he could do, but don his evil source of power.

His black…straight…too low for his eyes…baseball cap.

And as a result, well, he cruelly, against the cries of Kevin Doyle, disallow his bullet of a strike from about 6 inches out.

‘Linesman, noooooooo, how could you? It was clear!’

‘MWHAHAHA, me linesman, me disallow your goal, me ruin your day. Me shit on your new contract you highlighted hair bastard’

And with that, the game ended. The other 10 Wolves players fall to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. Wardy saw this and parted the way, to console each one.

‘Come now my child, come along to the coach and we will leave for a better place’

And so they went, two by two, onto the team coach, to take them to a better place.

Spearmint Rhino.