So, surprisingly, I’m not that hungover today. Considering it was a leaving do filled with tequilla, sambuca and Jager, I think I’ve done pretty well.

The part that isn’t so cracking is that I’ve been awake since 7 this morning…I didn’t have to wake up early, I didn’t have to carry out any important tasks…no…I just woke up dead early and couldn’t get back to sleep.

So what did I do? The obvious of course. Watched a film starring Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson who decide to rob a train which is referred to as ‘The Money Train’…yeah I’m not joking. And Jennifer Lopez was in it. Wearing lip liner. I’m not sure why I watched it all.

It did however give me a chance to think about the game today (that and women…and how I’m going to design the emails I need to do this week…yes, my brain is a riveting place)

So, how should we play against the 11 men who come from the place you don’t want to go on a Wednesday rainy night?

Defensively, bring Jarvis and Edwards/Hunt (depending on fitness) back to double up on their wingers. We do this anyway, but we need them playing against each other. We all know about their effectiveness in the air. So forcing them to play it through the middle and relying on somebody like Glenn Whelan to dictate the pace of their play…well…I don’t think I really need to finish that thought.

Going forward, there must be an emphasis of keeping it on the ground. Again, Jarvis and Hunt delivering balls into the area won’t be as effective as it has been in previous games. Shawcross and Woodgate/Huth/Upson will deal with anything like that easily.

But the most important thing, not just for the quality of the match, but my sanity, is for somebody, anybody…

TO RIP OFF THAT FUCKING FAKE TOWEL/UDNERSHIRT FROM UNDER RYAN SHOTTON’S SHIRT.

I mean, come on Stoke. First you brought the long throw thing to the Premiership. You managed to get away with taking at least 17 seconds for every throw Delap took.

But this, this is just silly.

Sometimes I feel sorry for Stoke fans. I’ve seen them on ocassions, for example when they beat us 3-0 at the Britannia last season, and they can be a good football team. They do have some very good players in there.

To see players passing the ball around well, making it difficult for some very good teams to break them down. And then having to rely on tap-ins and long throw-ins to get you into games.

And not just that, actually bending the rules to facilitate this type of play? It’s almost depressing.

So, let’s not play it into their hands (no pun intended) let’s force them to keep it in the middle of the pitch. Let’s not give them the opportunity to fire a cannonball into our area.

…Ok, I must stop here. You have probably noticed that I haven’t gone into anything about our slow centre backs, or that Jarvis should be running behind Fletcher and/or Doyle at the CBs etc etc etc. The reason why is that the sight of Wesley Snipes and Jennifer Lopez samba dancing got me thinking of something else.

Do you think Rory Delap is actually happy with his existence?

Zonal Marking posted about his contribution against us last season, where the number of throws he attempted was much higher than passes. And I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a fairly consistent statistic across all the games he has played recently.

Could Rory Delap be considered as an actual footballer?

Or is he the guy in hockey who comes on just to score penalties? The guy who spends years of his life working hard, training hard to be a hockey player. Only for somebody to go ‘actually, we only need you for about 10 seconds every Saturday’

Or is he the closest thing we have to a footballing Milli Vanilli? Somebody who looks like one thing, but turns out to have been faking it all along, stripping them off any rewards and dignity that they had.

As a player, it must be quite nice for somebody to ask you to put together a training video. I mean, you must be pretty good to be able to do that.

But then you get asked to do a training video for chucking a ball dead far.

To know you’re not very good at your job, but then freakishly effective at something which is seen as negative but other people. I don’t know, thinking about it gives me an empty feeling inside.

Whoever takes the throws against us, whether it’s Shotton with that fucking undershirt, or Delay,when they beat you, it leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

I like my mouth to have the hummus in it. Come 10 to 5, I hope that’s all I taste.